28.09.20// My Medical Abortion: Well, it’s about bloody time we talked about them!

Editor’s Note:

We have chosen this week’s spotlight because it is an incredibly powerful and raw account of one womxn’s experience of a medical abortion. This piece is so important because it decries the secrecy and taboo around ‘the A word’ and argues that, in sharing our own personal experiences, we can reassure and empower other womxn who are experiencing something similar. Anabel has gone one step further and is making a film, called ‘Contraband’, about her experience. If you are moved by this piece, you should absolutely check it out!

By Anabel Barnston
28 September 2020

I’d just got back from a year travelling. I had no money, no permanent job, and I was about to launch back into full time education. This was when I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant.

The ‘guy’ was not someone I was intending to be with forever and, more to the point, he lived on the other side of the world. So, if there were a hypothetical tick list for reasons to get an abortion, my list would be well and truly ticked. But equally, so what if it wasn’t? My body. My choice.

The situation was very much - in the wise words of Rachel Green from Friends, “Everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear and one of those little guys just gets through”. So, I booked an appointment and went to the clinic with my best friend, via a Wilko to pick up some puppy training pads for my aging cat who kept missing the litter tray. We realised the irony once we got to the clinic reception...

After a bunch of paperwork and a safeguarding meeting, I stuck the four tablets up my vagina and got a cab home. (Yes, I was concerned that four tablets would just fall back out again – no I’m not 21 anymore – but, rest-assured, they didn’t).

Having been instructed to alternate between ibuprofen and paracetamol if (if?!) required, naturally I found some previously prescribed codeine in my medicine cabinet. It was horrifically painful. The codeine didn’t even touch the sides, so I resorted to doing sit-ups on the floor to distract myself from the pain, whilst my friend watched Netflix.

Five to six hours later (I’d given up clock watching) I was completely wiped, but, footloose and baby-free… theoretically. 

It’s normal to experience bleeding for a few weeks after the procedure. Should be about two weeks. Could be a bit longer. (They don’t tell you that in the movies do they!) … Almost four weeks later I was still bleeding.

But the clinic said this was still in the ‘normal’ bracket, so I brazenly started work at a temp job. By the end of my first day I’d ended up in A&E because I’d suddenly started, what they call ‘flooding’, also known as haemorrhaging. But still, after a blood pressure and blood count check, the doctor sent me home, with instructions to come back tomorrow.

The next morning, I went for a pee, stood up to wipe and watched a fairly large satsuma-sized blood clot bounce down my leg, onto the bathroom floor (sorry, too much?). It struck me then, how absurd this abortion had been. It was ridiculous! Comedy levels of absurdity. Later, a scan showed it was residual pregnancy tissue – about as fun as it sounds. To sum it up, the medical abortion hadn’t fully worked.

Was this my fault? Had I put the tablets in wrong? Can you even put the tablets in wrong?

Over a Skype chat (remember those?), the ‘guy’ said I didn’t appear to be too fazed by the whole thing. I was so outraged I couldn’t speak. Because I wasn’t crying down the phone, this whole experience was suddenly a walk in the park was it? Maybe that was the problem. I’d done a very good job of appearing put together, resilient, ‘unfazed’ because, in the back of my mind I thought, “I’ve made this decision so what did I expect”? I had completely skewed what being a ‘strong woman’ or a feminist meant into some kind of unreasonably high expectation of myself to take these pretty traumatic events on the chin and carry on. 

Why? Society? Patriarchy? Other women? My own sense of self-worth?

After the third trip to A&E that week; the third time the doctor gasped in horror at how long I’d been bleeding; the third time my extremely low blood pressure set off the alarm; and the third time Gynaecology said this wasn’t an emergency- I was told I had two options:  1) Wait two weeks to have an MVA under general anaesthetic (Manual Vacuum Aspiration … it’s hardly aspirational I’ll tell you), or 2) stick with the MVA booked for a week’s time under local.

I was done. I was done powering through. I was done accepting this was part of the deal if I was going to have an abortion. I just needed it to end.

So, the following week I had the MVA under local anaesthetic. Plus side of this- it means you can leave the hospital the same day. Downside- they can anaesthetise the cervix but not the womb. So, bite down. I wasn’t even surprised at the pain by this point… but finally it was over.

Now, a year later, I did what any struggling creative would do; I wrote a script about my experience. We are shooting the short film, ‘Contraband’ next month.

I wrote it, partly, because, despite one in three British women having an abortion by the time they are 45, and almost three-quarters of which being medical abortions, these stories are so rarely depicted on screen. Or, if they are, it’s all about the moral dilemma. No one tells you about the logistics, do they? In sharing this personal experience, maybe this is one step forward in challenging the taboo of vocalising the ‘A’ word. And maybe, in doing so, any woman watching who’s going through a similar experience, will realise she’s doing just fine. There is no way to get this ‘right’.

I’m not writing this or making the film to ‘expose the truth of medical abortion’ – many women do have simple, successful procedures and carry on with their lives. However, even if the procedure doesn’t complicate, like mine did, it is never easy. Abortions are painful, messy and generally pretty shit experiences to go through, even when you know you’ve made the right decision and the procedure goes smoothly. It’s not, what many people seem to assume, ‘an easy way out’. So, what are we – government, men, women, world - doing to better support women?

Putting aside the horrific abortion bans returning to various states of America (that’s another article), I refuse to accept a mindset of ‘abortion is legal, so what more do you want?’ We need to support women through these experiences, and remove the stigma and secrecy of the ‘A’ word; because abortions are a whole lot worse when the woman has to pretend she’s not having one, because Jason in Accounts is too squeamish.

Control over our own bodies is a basic human right. We can ask for a bit more.  

Footnote: Anabel and the Contraband Crew are running a Kickstarter campaign for short film project, Contraband, finishing on 1st October.

Actor/writer/director/forward slash lover, Anabel has appeared in TV comedies such as The Inbetweeners, BBC Three's Coming of Age, and ever kids TV treasure, The New Worst Witch. Anabel has since co-created and directed short film 'The Ditch' (official selection for London Short Film Festival) and short film 'The Fear', currently in post production. Anabel is now finishing her Masters in Directing at London's prestigious MetFilm School.